new horizons

As all the hustle and bustle of the holidays is finally slowing down and coming to an end, I'm finally getting a chance to take a step back and count my blessings. This past year has been something else, to say the very least. I've experienced trials and heartache but also had the joy of overcoming those same trials and finding the strength to move past that heartache. I have always said that the Lord works in mysterious ways but this year has just proven that over again to me. He has held me in His arms when I couldn't stand alone and I believe He smiled down upon me when I found that solid rock to stand on again. He brought me through nursing school, helped me to get an interview and a job on a floor that I actually wanted to work on, all within the same week. Now He is guiding me through another life decision (more to come soon on this topic!). He's given me back my health. My UC is in full remission for the time being with no sign of things changing. My medicine is still working like it should. Our insurance is still paying their part and through a program Humira offers more than most of the remaining cost is taken care of. My mom's new medicine seems to be working as well. I'm so glad to finally have her back to her energy-filled self. This past year we have grown so close and I am honored to call her my mother, my confidant, and my best friend. The Lord is using my dad at Forty-Forks like I never could have imagined. I can see true and complete faith in Jesus when I look in dad's eyes. He stepped out on a limb when he closed his business of almost 30 years in Jackson to follow the Lord's will for his and our life and has not looked back since. The Lord has not let us down. Its an awesome feeling to live within His grace. My brother and sister are precious. As often as my sister tries to steal my clothes and my brother uses me for rides to his girlfriends house, I must say they both are truly my best friends. I thank the Lord for them every day and I know He has great things in store for both of their lives. Ben is the most recent addition to this whirlwind I call life, and I must say the timing couldn't have been any better. As to where it goes from here, I'm leaving that up to the Lord's will but I am most definitely taking advantage of every moment He gives me with this sweet boy.

As I move into next year, I will keep these blessings in the back of my mind and close to heart so as to not forget all that He has done for me. Take some time and reflect back on everything the Lord has done for you this past year. Thank Him, and open your mind and heart to receive the blessings that are to come.

Our God truly is an awesome God.

it just keeps getting better

I can sum this all up for you guys real quick like...graduation on Tuesday, job interview on Thursday, then....a job offer on Friday!! God is soooo good :) Its on the cardiac floor I wanted to be on too! Its a nights position which is something I will have to get used to but hey I will NOT complain! I am sooo blessed. Getting to know the sweetest guy plus graduation and soon after a job offer equals the best month ever!!

cowboy take me away

Ironic title right? :)

"There are guys who grow up thinking they'll settle down some distant time in the future, and there are guys who are ready for marriage as soon as they meet the right person. The former bore me, mainly because they're pathetic and the latter, quite frankly are hard to find. But its the serious ones I'm interested in, and it takes time to find a guy like that whom I'm equally interested in. I mean, if the relationship can't survive the long term why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?" The Last Song, Nicholas Sparks

This is one of my all time favorite quotes. I've held it close to my heart and tried to base my relationships off of it. And now I do believe its beginning to pay off. Love comes unexpectedly. But it also arrives when you need it most. Let's just say I couldn't be happier.

Now for other updates. I graduated on Tuesday from nursing school.

I still find it hard to believe its really over. But I can't wait to start this next chapter of my life. Its just a waiting game now though, as I wait to take boards. Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later.

Humira and I kind of had a rocky moment there, but things are back on track and better than ever.

I have a job interview this afternoon on a floor which I would absolutely love to work on. I feel like things are finally starting to fall into place. The Lord is opening doors, and I'm just praying and patiently waiting this time.  After my interview we're heading to Nashville for a much needed get away. Christmas lights and ICE! will make for a great next few days. But, I will look forward to coming home to see my cowboy. :)

falling together instead of falling apart

That is just exactly how you can describe my life right now. The Lord is most definitely working and I couldn't be anymore excited. He has helped me through the hardest past few years of my life and bringing me out triumphant because nursing school is almost over! I have my last final in the morning and my pinning ceremony on Tuesday :) Gees I smile just thinking about it! I had an interview with the human resources department at Jackson General last week and I have an interview on a cardiac floor this Thursday for a full time RN position! I know the Lord will place me where He sees fit but go on and say a little prayer for me! Then the thing I was so excited and couldn't wait to share...well the ball is finally rolling on that one! I want to wait until some more things are finalized before I put it all out there but let's just say things are for sure going my way! Then one other that I can't help but smile about is Ben. This is from last Friday night where we went to Mistletoe Ball as chaperons. How ironic I know lol.

We shall see where it all goes but I'll for sure keep you updated :)

But anyways I need to study some more and get some sleep but I have just been so blessed these past couple weeks I couldn't help but share! More to come soon :)

ribbons and pearls

A girl should be two things, classy and fabulous.

Love this quote. :)

So have I mentioned how busy I have been lately? or better yet how I only have 16 days left of this madness? Well umm I only have 16 days left until graduation! 4 tests for the program and then the big NCLEX test for my license and I am done! If you can't tell by the repeated use of the exclamation marks, I'm totally pumped lol. I have also applied for some jobs that I'm pretty excited about as well. Nursing is completely another "He chose me for this" situation  and I know the Lord will put me where He wants me and in His time so I'm not worried about that, yet lol. I've also considered the possibility of doing the whole travel nurse thing, but I guess that will just depend on where I am in a year because most agencies recommend at least one year of clinical experience. But with the way things are going right now, I'd be completely ok with waiting around a year.

I've also been in prayer about a certain situation and how to handle it. Letting down my guard is not a strong suit of mine. Soooo, I'm just waiting. We shall see.

I don't have a whole lot to say right now about Humira and such other than it sucks. But it is what it is.

The new year is going to bring lots of changes for me, some of which will be welcomed and others, well I can't really say the same for them. But I am realizing that He sees the bigger picture where I tend to only see the small pieces. So with a faithful heart, I will continue on, because as previously stated, He chose me for this.

hello world.

Oh the empty disappears, I remember why I'm here, to surrender and believe, I fall down on my knees.

Love this Lady Antebellum song.You should most def check it out.

Soooo updates shall we? As you probably gathered from my last post I'm about finished with nursing school, FINALLY!! But with the end nearing, the assignments and tests and study guides etc seem to be piling up quick, fast and in a hurry. Trying to keep up with everything is definitely a challenge but hey its only 47 days left right? And I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength. Just like my title of this blog says, He chose me for this and I couldn't be more excited.

Humira is amazing. It is still working wonderfully. Its so great being able to do the shot then go on about my day. I go back to see my doctor for a general check up and blood work and such next Wednesday. Lord willing, I expect a good report. We'll see :)

Aside from all the stress from school, life is pretty amazing. The Lord is blessing my family and I left and right. I must say I am so thankful to have a church family like the one we do. I stand in complete awe of the way the Lord is working through them to provide for my family's every need. He has also placed a great opportunity in front of me. I'm patiently, sometimes not so patiently, waiting on Him to give me an answer before I share but if He allows it to go through I can't wait to share it with you!

I've always said everything happens for a reason but that statement has never rang more true in my life than right now. These past couple months have been quite eye opening, to say the least. People don't always do or say the ideal things, but sometimes, just sometimes they turn out to be the right things and some of the most important things. More patient waiting on the Lord to show me His will in this category too.

Lastly I just want to say, my mother really does have the best insight, intuition and advice, ever. She's completely and without a doubt my best friend. And I think my daddy is finally beginning to realize that I'm growing up but no doubt about it I'm still daddy's little girl. I couldn't be happier about both =)

50 days.

Dear Nursing School,
I just want you to know I've had it. I'm sick of 50 page study guides that are due on test days. I'm sick of late nights doing ridiculous amounts of clinical paper work all in preparation to give a bath or better yet have my patient go home. I'm sick of studying all the wrong things for test. I mean really is there that much difference in crackles and rhonchi? I'm sick of sitting at home surrounded by books EVERY weekend. I'm pretty sure my friends and family have forgotten what I even look like. I'm sick of 6 hour lectures and early morning labs. But I must say one thing you have taught me is how to correctly state my problems in NANDA's approved manner. Just to give you an idea:

• Fluid volume deficit r/t dehydrating effects of caffeine associated with increased student sightings at coffee bars.
• Impaired social interactions r/t inappropriate topics of conversation associated with incessant discussions of bowel and bladder functions. 
• Functional constipation r/t lack of time to go to the bathroom associated with moving at the speed of light and still not getting everything done.
• Impaired skin integrity r/t increased intake of fat, chocolate, and alcohol associated with return to adolescent facial breakouts.
• Anticipatory grieving r/t impending midterms and final exams associated with crying fits in October and December.
• Ineffective individual coping: obsessivecompulsive behaviors r/t high demand of nursing school associated with continual checking and rechecking of calendars, date books, course syllabi, and other nursing students to reassure that one is not forgetting assignments.
• Altered thought processes: caffeine-induced psychosis r/t increased coffee consumption.
• Self-care deficit r/t being a nursing student.

I could continue for days but I think you get the picture. I've had my fair share of "learning experiences" and believe I am finally ready to leave you. In 50 o-so-very short days this hate/hate relationship will be over. I will move onto bigger and better things and you, well you will just continue to take over the lives of unsuspecting students who "think" they want to be nurses.

Ha as you can probably tell , all of my time and energy has been completely devoted to nursing school lately, as made obvious by my absence here :( I promise when and if I get some spare time I will give you a complete update but as for now let me just say that my God is great and He is definitely working in my life and making things possible I had all but given up hope on! All praise be to him!

wishes and prayers.

Do you ever get to a point where you feel like no matter what you do, you wish you had done the opposite, or gone a different direction. I wouldn't necessarily call it a regret because I have learned from it and still continue to do so, its just...I know things would have been a lot easier had I went down another path. This is my apology to you. I wish I had listened more. I wish I had talked less but spoken up when it mattered the most. I wish I hadn't shut you out. I wish I would have reacted differently under the circumstances. I wish I had told you the truth from the very beginning no matter how much I thought it would have hurt you. I wish I wasn't scared to be in love. I wish I knew how to fix it now. But more than anything I wish you could forgive me. I pray that the Lord will hold you and heal your heart. I pray that He will bless you beyond your imagination. I pray that He will show you a happiness that you've never known. And I pray that He will help you forgive me. Not today, not tomorrow, not next week or even next month, just when it is the right time for you.

Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers.  3 John 2
Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like a blazing fire.
Song of Solomon 8:6.

It is my prayer to someday be fireproof.

give me something real.

Welcome back to the real world. I can already tell this last semester of nursing school is going to be a challenge. Between class, lab, clinical, working 2 jobs, and hopefully picking up a couple of shifts at the hospital as a CNA or sitter and the big one STUDYING I don't know when I'm going to have time to live! But hey, its only until December. Stronghold? I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.

Humira is still working just as we had hoped which is fantastic! And I'm pretty sure my insurance is going to cover the great majority of the expense which is even better! All praise be Him :)

There's an old cliche that goes, "I just want one guy to prove to me they aren't all the same." There really isn't a better phrase to describe how I'm feeling. Prove to me that you mean what you say. Show me that you really are a gentleman. Talk to me about things that are going on in your life and listen while I do the same. And if it just isn't working out for you anymore be man and tell me. For a complicated girl, I'm not too hard to figure out.

The Lord really helped me let go of something I had been holding onto for quite some time this week. I realized worrying about things I couldn't change wasn't doing anything but hurting me. It's an amazing feeling knowing that when we lay things at His feet and leave them there, He will ease our pain. Sometimes we learn more when we are held by the Lord rather than just being healed by the Lord.

way too long.

It has been way to long since I've posted anything on here. Gees. So let's play catch up shall we?

Humira seems to be working as well as the Remicade which is fantastic. With each shot, I'm slowly figuring out which areas hurt the most and which hurt the least. I've also discovered if you numb the area with ice for like 15 minutes it doesn't hurt as much either. I still get a headache after but that's tolerable in comparison.

As I shared in a previous post, I worked my first 40 hour week. I guess I spoke too soon because the week after that I got to work 45 hours. The only good thing about it will be this week's paycheck.
Just a thought about the workplace. I'm not so naive to think that everything in life is always fair but when you have the opportunity to treat others fairly, doesn't it make sense to do so? One word, seniority. More about that later but I'll get off my soap box for now.

So I had my orientation for my LAST semester of nursing school on Monday. I'm super pumped about this semester. I'm really looking forward to getting back into the hospital and practicing patient care. Now the lecture portion of the class from 8 - 5...I could probably do without, just saying. Oh man almost forgot...expected graduation date December 15. :) woohoo! Although I'm really nervous about it all I'm very excited to be starting a new chapter of my life. Thanks be to God for His blessings and guidance. I wouldn't have made this far had it not been for Him.

I've got another fantastic quote to share with you.
"Life is about trusting your feelings and taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and learning from the past."

For once in a long time I beginning to slowly trust my feelings, to listen to my heart and just do what makes me happy. I'm taking a chance on someone who could potentially break my heart. I've lost happiness but you better believe I'm on the path to finding it again. I'm most definitely appreciating the memories I've made, good and bad. And more than ever I am learning from a past that I don't regret.

A righteous man will be remembered forever. He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. His heart is secure, he will have no fear; in the end he will look in triumph on his foes. Psalm 112:6-8

Get excited =)

I feel bad.

So here is yet again another song that says everything I can't put in words.

never.be.the.same

This really just says it all. Listen and you'll understand.

simple man.

Its been quite some time since my last post so let me get ya caught up.

Although it was kind of sketchy at the beginning, Humira seems to be still doing its job. The only real side effect I've experienced this far is a terrible migraine about an hour after I give myself the injection that Tylenol can't touch, which usually leads to making my sick to my stomach. Not real sure why it does this but I plan on talking to my doctor to see what I can figure out.

So I passed my Micro final and came out with an A in the class. Super pumped about that. Now I have almost 3 weeks before I start back to school. What up last semester of nursing school? :) But instead of relaxing like I probably should be, lucky me is getting to experience my first ever 40 hour work week. And can I just say I'm pretty sure I never want to do this ever again. At least not at my current place of employment. Don't get my wrong I do love my job and I am so thankful to have a job right now but a person can only look at leather couches for so many hours before they start going crazy, just saying.

Another big thing that has happened is I utilized my right as an American citizen to vote. If you didn't shame on you. Anyways if you did, you probably noticed this guy on your ballot, Basil Marceaux. Watch and you'll see why its important that you do vote. lol

                                                            Epic.

That is the word I would use to describe Eminem's newest album, Recovery. If you haven't bought it, downloaded it, or burned your buddy's copy yet, you totally should.You can thank me later.

One of the reasons I haven't posted anything in so long was mostly because I didn't have the words to describe how I was feeling. And to be honest I'm still not sure if I do. This year has probably been the hardest year of my life, as far as making life decisions go. I made the most mistakes I feel like I've ever made but at the same time I've learned what I feel like are some of life's most valuable lessons. I would like to share those with you so maybe you can learn from my mistakes.

• Always tell the truth. A hurtful truth now is much better tolerated that a so called white lie that blooms into a huge deal later. Even if the lie was told with good intentions, its still a lie.
• People will always criticize your decisions and question your intentions. With the position the Lord has put me and my family in, I sometimes feel like we live in a glass house. But I have found that when you seek His will and do as He instructs you, then no one can stand against you.
• Never tell the Lord your plan for your life. This is just great opportunity for Him to laugh at you. Instead pray asking Him to reveal His will for your life and trust that He knows best. Just remember, we can't always see the big picture, He can.
• Don't ask why someone comes into or leaves your life when and how they do. Everything happens the way it does for a reason and there is always a lesson to be learned.
• Don't run from something just because you are scared, especially love.
• Only question some one's feelings or intentions if they give you reason to. Otherwise, you are better off to take their word and trust them.
• Do things for yourself. Not because you have to, just do it because you want to.
• Never be quick to judge. You aren't their shoes.
• Always be slow to speak. Like my dad always says, God gave us 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason.
• Tell those special people in your life how much they really mean to you, every single day.

I'm pretty sure Lynyrd Skynyrd got it right years ago. Enjoy.

just wait and see

“Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.”

I'm pretty sure if I tried this, my world would stop turning. Even though I know I should try it. I should try to relinquish some control and just be more content with where I'm at in life. I mean I'm going to graduate from nursing school, pass my boards (hopefully), turn 21, and start looking for my own first home all within the next 6 months. Talk about a whirlwind coming up so some down time would most likely do me some good.
I really don't have a lot to say right now, I've just been doing a lot of thinking again...scary I know right. But maybe after this weekend I'll have something more exciting to share :)

time.

"Spend your time perfecting tomorrow not correcting yesterday."     Strong words.

I honestly can't even begin to explain how I feel. I've never been in such a hard position, but sometimes goodbye is a second chance. You can only give so much without receiving anything in return before you break. It is what it is though, nothing more than another lesson learned and another thing to add to the list of things I know I deserve from a relationship. Time. Time to talk to me, time to hold me, time to love me back. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Humira sucks. I felt great and so accomplished after I gave myself my injections but like an hour later that sense of pride very quickly dissipated. I got the worst headache I believe I've ever had which led to making me super nauseous. And that lovely feeling lasted all weekend. Woo hoo. Hope you sense the sarcasm.

I did have the chance to reconnect with some old friends this weekend which completely makes my heart smile. :) maybe things will start to look up after all.

who do you think you are?

Humira update. I didn't punk out this time and gave myself my own injections. Only two this time. And most likely due to the fact that I laid ice packs on my stomach for like 15 minutes and it was practically numb, they honestly didn't hurt that bad. I must say I'm beginning to be pretty optimistic about this whole situation.

And this is my declaration.

I am just having a really hard time understanding just who do you think you are? To think that you have some power over me, to think that you control anything that I say or do, or to think that I have to listen to a single word that comes out of your mouth is completely ludicrous. You were cast out of my life long ago and for a very good reason. Let's keep it that way please. Because we both know in the end how this is going down. Its real simple. You're gonna lose. My God is bigger than you and with Him by my side we're a pretty tough team. Step down pal.

Just makes me feel strong and empowered and so does this verse,

Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Ephesians 6:13

bulletproof

This time I'll be bulletproof.
I won't cry, I won't lay it on the line.
I won't pour my heart out to you a million different times.
I won't ask you to take my hand,
I won't pray every night that you take a stand.
I'll love myself more than you,
I'll hold onto the one thing I know is true.
The Lord is my shepard and in Him I place my trust
So yeah, this time I'll be bulletproof.

This has been a long week, and its only Wednesday. But this too shall pass. I don't have a lot to say, just a lot to think about. Listen to this.

Trying to find that light.

its just a test.

a test of faith that is.

Let me just take a second and thank the Lord for sending me you. You are such a great person and I look up to you so much. I count its as a blessing everyday that I have you in my life. I know you are going through a tough situation right now but the Lord says He will never leave us or forsake us. He is the Great Physician and I believe in His healing power. I love you.

Sooo this morning started out horrid but my lovely micro teacher completely made my day. Who the heck knows what the Kreb's cycle is and honestly who cares? Well not me on either count but I had already said I was going to devote my entire weekend to figuring it out since I had a test Monday. As we're finishing up with the lecture he turns to ask the class how we feel about the content and we all let out either a groan or a laugh because none of us have any idea what's going on then he gets real serious and says, well how about a test? I literally thought, I'm about to have a heart attack. He starts handing out the tests and I get mine and I swear its in Greek, then he says oh by the way its a take home test. I could have sang the entire hallelujah chorus. We decided to knock that thing out today as soon as we got home. Now I have all weekend to catch up on some reading, none of which pertains to the electron transport chain or staphylococcus, thank you.

Humira isn't kicking my butt yet. I'm feeling fine and staying optimistic.

I got an itch to change some things around here so I rearranged my room and got a new bed set.
                                                I completely love it :)
props to Marshall's for helping my checkbook out and my roommate for her staging skills

I thought Kitty was a nice accessory as well. :)

As always, I've found a quote I would love to share: "Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary because there is nothing to make it last." Truer words have never been spoken.

Excited to see what He has in store <3

prince charming who?

Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

At the end of the day a girl just needs a pair of strong arms to hold her when she is tired of being so brave, someone to tell all her problems to and someone to say its all going to work out in the end. Everyone talks about finding their prince charming but why settle for a prince charming wanna be when you could have the King of Kings? The Lord wants to embrace us and help us through our struggles. He will never leave our side. He promises to be there when no one else is.

I read a quote the other day that said "a woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her." This really made me do some self evaluation, some heart evaluation. Love is a crazy thing. It comes when you least expect it and seems to leave when you feel like you need it the most. It sometimes even makes you second guess your heart. But real unconditional love like that from God the Father never fades, never leaves room for question, never hurts, and never leaves you wanting more. Lord I  pray that I become so lost in You that my earthly prince charming will need to seek you first.

Patiently seeking His will.

you never know.

This weekend I saw AIM's production of Oklahoma. Wonderful :) highly recommend it.

I had my first Micro test on this rainy Monday morning. Let me just say this now, this class is not going to be fun. Not excited.

So update on the new stuff. I had my booster dose of Humira Friday, and I've been sore all weekend. The best way to describe it is it felt kinda like I'd just had a killer ab workout. Every time I bent down or turned it just felt sore. But if that is going to be the worst of it, I'll gladly take it. Now that I'm finally getting over the initial shock of the "shot" detail, I'm really beginning to see the benefits. It will only take a few minutes to give the injections as opposed to the 4 hours I had grown accustomed to with Remicade. There will be little to no recoup time with Humira, hopefully. And one big thing for me, it is safe to use during pregnancy, unlike Remicade. Not that I'm worried about that yet obviously, just looking toward the future.

You never know how the Lord is going to use a hard situation to show teach you to lean on Him. It has definitely taken me some time to see this but I whole heartedly believe that this is all part of His plan for me. I feel like He used the Remicade to get me into remission and now He is going to use the Humira to keep me in remission, and also allow me to take this "safer" medicine as I move forward in life. All things work together for His good, even when we can't see how.

Still seeking His will.

lesson learned.

This day started out wonderful, got to sleep late, had a huge bowl of captain crunch (my personal fav), and then headed out to the pool. Well that's where the good ended. I called my doctor back, and he said that he for sure wanted me to take the Humira. He also said I was going to have to go ahead and take the booster dose, consisting of four shots, one right after the other, all in the stomach. And then, to add to my joy, he wanted me to start them today. And what's more, I had to do the pens instead of the syringe. Talk about being a complete basket case. Thankfully my sweet mother offered to meet me up there. Go ahead and think about the worst shot you've ever gotten, multiply that times 5 and that's what one of these shots felt like. And I had four. I'm pretty much a walking accident waiting to happen so pain and I are pretty well acquainted but I have never experienced anything so terrible. Now I feel like I have been sucker punched in the stomach and have four lovely bruises to go along with it. Two weeks from today I get two more. Then I start the maintenance dose which will be one shot every two weeks. I've  always said I couldn't handle being a diabetic because I couldn't stand having to give myself shots all the time. Well uh...He proved me wrong. Lesson learned. Don't tell the Lord what you can't handle because He'll prove to you the hard way that you can. I pray this gets better.

defeated.

That's exactly how I feel. I know I should be positive and look for the good in the situation but honestly, just the thought of that makes me nauseous. I am deathly terrified of needles. I can start IVs no problem, I can give anyone a shot any day no big deal. But the second you turn it around on me, I freak out. I had gotten better with having an IV and having blood drawn because I've had to have it done so often, but getting a shot is a totally different thing. I'm the kind of person who would rather take antibiotics for three weeks rather than take a shot and be better in 3 days. And now they tell me I'm gonna have to give them to myself. Obviously I'm not coping very well. I have to call my doctor tomorrow and let him know whether I want to do the prefilled syringes or the pens. I've tried to research about the pros and cons and I've talked to my mom about them since she has done both before, but neither one sounds appealing. Both are very painful and uncomfortable, not to mention expensive. I can't help but wonder if there isn't some other option out there. My doctor doesn't seem to think so. Its just absolutely disheartening. I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to give it to Him. But right now I just want to take some time to be weak, to be upset, to think this really, really sucks. I can be strong tomorrow, maybe.

Bring the Rain.

Totally and completely love this song by Mercy Me.


I can count a million times people asking me how I can praise you with all that I've gone through. The question just amazes me, can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in you?

Maybe since my life was changed long before these rainy days, it's never really crossed my mind to turn my back on you oh Lord, my only shelter from the storm but instead I draw closer through these times.

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free. Bring me anything that brings you glory. And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain but if that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain.

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above because you are much greater than my pain. You who made a way for me by suffering your destiny. So tell me what's a little rain?

I told you I was addicted to song lyrics. This is yet another example of exactly how I feel. It can be so easy to question the Lord., to ask why me? why now? But it is so much more rewarding to ask, what are you trying to teaching me Lord? I can alomst guarantee that through any struggle He is trying to teach you to lean on Him, to lay it all His feet and believe our God is big enough to handle anything. This is the lesson I am trying so desparately to learn. So tell me, with the Lord of Lord on your side, what's a little rain?  

a test of patience.

Family and friends plus good food and fireworks has made for a pretty great weekend. Wonder why we only shoot fireworks on the 4th and New Years though? Just a thought.

Anyways...back to this whole new medicine deal. The doctor's office was supposed to call me and let me know what they thought the best option was. They said and I quote, "We'll get with you on Wednesday, and if not Wednesday then Thursday and if not Thursday then Friday and if not Friday by lunch you call us." And being the compliant patient I am, I waited until three o'clock on Friday to call but found out nothing. But something has got to give. I'm only twenty years old and I'm not supposed to feel like I'm eighty. I'm pretty sure every joint in my body has hurt at one point in time over this weekend. Pretty stupid. I don't know what I'm gonna do over the next 6 or so weeks, (that's how long it will take the Remicade, the drug that I had a reaction to, to get out of my system). I'm just praying that this isn't a permanent thing, that it actually goes away when the medicine is gone. Guess we'll see.

On another note, I start class again tomorrow. Microbiology. Yes, I must like to punish myself. But hey after this class and a couple more I'll be able to start on classes for my BSN. Super pumped about that.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my future. Like after school do I want to try and work in Jackson or in Selmer, in a clinic or hospital setting? Do I want to live in Jackson or in McNairy county, possibly Henderson? Do I want to rent a place like I have been or try and buy something or do I just want to move back home and save some money? I know that He will show me what I need to do and exactly where I need to be in His time, I'm just a little impatient. But we're all kinda on a need to know basis, so I'll just have to try and not worry so much and leave it in His hands. Seems easier said than done though.

Another thing I can't get off my mind is some certain people. The kind who say one thing and act completely different. I'm not trying to be judgemental. Don't take this the wrong way guys. I'm just saying actions speak louder than words. If you love someone, love them out loud. Don't assume they know it. Don't take them for granted. Tell them everyday. Take every opportunity to show them what they mean to you every single day. Its not the sweet stuff you say that gets us in your life, its the sweet stuff you do that keeps us there.  Just saying.

They say to never tell the Lord you can't handle something because He will prove to you that you can. People also say not to pray for patience. Well I don't feel like I've done either one of those things, but I definitely feel like my breaking points are being tested.

everything happens for a reason.

Diamond Jaxx game tonight with my sweet boyfriend was a lot of fun. Sky box suite is most def the way to watch a game. Although they completely threw away the game, the fireworks after were amazing. The whole night was a bit of a deja vu experience for me, hence the title of this blog. Its so crazy to think about how much has changed in my life over just the past year, and even crazier to think about how much more it is about to. Only about six more months and I will be finished with school, hopefully onto pass my boards and get my license. Can we say registered nurse? I'm pumped. All glory and praise to Him!

I've had to learn some pretty tough lessons this year. Things like you should always be honest with yourself regardless of who it might hurt, and there will always be people who criticize your decisions. But with bad always comes a light at the end of the tunnel. My "light" was realizing that no matter how much I cried or tried people were always going to be the same and the best thing you can do for them is lift them up to the Lord. Not in a "I pray your brakes go out running down a hill (we all know the song)" kinda way, but in a sincere, "I pray that the Lord opens your eyes and heals your heart" kind of way. Then you just have to sit back and let the Lord work. Our God is an awesome God.

Life is so much easier when you put your struggles in His hands.

This song has always meant a lot to me, but it means so much more now. Check it out.

Lay it Down Jaci Velasquez

I've been looking ‘til my eyes are tired of looking

Listening ‘til my ears are numb from listening
Praying ‘til my knees are sore from kneeling
On the bedroom floor

I know that You know that my heart is aching
I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don't think that I can carry
The burden of it anymore

All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands
So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go
I'm gonna lay it down

I've been walking through this world like I'm barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been digging
But You're pulling me out and I'm finally breathing
In the open air
This room may be dark but I'm finally seeing
There's a new ray of hope and now I'm believing
That the past is the past and the future's beginning to look brighter now
'Cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

Staying strong in the Lord =)

just a few of my favorite things.

I'm addicted to reading quotes and song lyrics. I always find myself looking for words to describe how I feel or pick me up when I'm down. I have recently fallen back in love with the book of Proverbs. Its basically a whole chapter full of quotes! From GOD! I personally don't think it gets any better than that :) here's a few that mean a lot to me:

         Commit your activities to the Lord and your plans will be achieved. Proverbs 16:3
I mean wow. He's basically telling us if we are living in His will and we submit everything to Him, He will see us through it! I don't know about you,but I'm a such a planner, got the whole time line and everything. So knowing that as long as I'm in His will and letting Him work through me my plans will be achieved is major for me!

         The one who trusts himself is a fool, but one who walks in wisdom will be safe. Proverbs 28:26
This one hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm such a strong willed person. Lots of times I find myself thinking, I can handle this alone, I can figure it out on my own. It has taken hitting my knees because I can't physically handle it any longer for me to realize, wouldn't this be so much easier if I had some help? And who better to help me out when I'm struggling than God Almighty? Everyday I'm learning to lay my problems at His feet, and leave them there, trusting that He will direct me in His good and perfect will. And let me tell you, for the first time in a long time, I'm at peace, and its wonderful!

2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weakness, so that Christ's power may reside in me."

I am weak but He is strong, but through Him I have strength! :)

Just the beginning..

This is just the beginning of my journey. I'm so excited to see what He has in store for my life, but before you can know where you are going you must know where you have been. So this is my story.

I was born and raised in a southern God fearing home. I was taught to love the Lord and love your neighbors. I gave my life to Christ and was baptized at the age of 8 and I rededicated my life to him when I was 13. No, I don't claim to have always made the best life decisions but these roots run deep. I'm learning to seek His will for my life more and more every day.

I decided to go to nursing school the last month of my senior year. It has been the best decision He has help me make. I'm not going to lie, its been the most stressful experience ever. In the end though, it will be so rewarding to know what I did helped to save some one's life.

Partly due to some not so good genes and way too much stress, I began to have some stomach problems not long after starting my first semester of nursing school. Embarrassing as it was, I told my mom I needed to see a GI specialist. I took my nursing final on a Friday and had a colonoscopy the following Monday. The results were exactly as I had expected. I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis. We began treatment immediately hoping to get it in remission as soon as possible. I soon found myself taking 12 pills a day, but quickly realized they weren't doing anything but making me eat less. So we began to explore my options. My doctor suggested that I try Remicade. Its an IV infusion that takes anywhere from 2 to 6 hours to complete. Eventually these treatments would be 8 weeks apart. Not so bad right? That's what I thought too but the side effects were terrible. Achy joints, flu like symptoms, terrible abdominal cramps and the list goes on. It always seemed to take a couple days for me to fully recuperate after each treatment, but I getting better and slowly getting into remission. So I dealt with it and tried to put it in His hands.

Now a year later the one thing I've feared has happened. I'm no longer able to take my miracle drug due to a serum sickness reaction. In essence, my body is fighting off the drug. So now, having tried and failed with two other medications, my options are limited. My doctor feels that Humira is the next step for me. This regimen consists of two injections in the stomach a month. Obviously, I'm not at all excited.

I read a quote today that said, "the Lord doesn't give you anymore at one time than you can handle." Most days I feel that I am pushing my limits. But there again I know His loving and protecting hands are guiding and guarding me. I'm waiting on Him to show me what my next step is.

I don't write this seeking sympathy from anyone. I write this hoping to be an example for those who are going through a trying situation. These verses have become my strong tower:
        
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do and he will direct your paths. Don't be impressed with your own wisdom. Instead, fear the Lord and turn your back on evil. Then you will gain renewed health and vitality.    Proverbs 3:5-8