the heart of a five year old

We often times underestimate what children can and can't comprehend. But today is a perfect example of how much they really do understand. The moment I saw her this morning, she ran to me and threw her arms around my neck and told me she loved me. She made every step I did. It was almost as if she was protecting me, shielding me from all the "you're strongs" and "you'll be fines" that people seem to think are comforting in this sort of situation. It was the first Sunday I sat in our pew without him. The first time I looked at the stage where I had pictured every whispered I love you, every spoken vow, and that first kiss to begin our lives, and realized that none of that would happen now. I broke down before we even got through the welcoming announcements. She took her tiny little hands, placed them in mine, and held them through the entire service. She wrapped her arms around me, wiped my tears away. Its like she knew exactly what I needed at that very moment. She felt my pain and did her very best to let me know she was there for me, that she loved me. A five year old made me stronger. 

blessings

Where to even begin. I feel like I have been sitting back watching my life crawl before me like an old black and white movie. At times I feel like the mute actor, running around like crazy, waving my hands in the air, just hoping someone will understand. At others I feel like I'm standing in the middle of some empty field, lost with no direction or hope. So call me dramatic, but hey I'm channeling my inner Audrey Hepburn I suppose. I had never been so sure that I had found the one person that God had placed on this earth for me. He was everything I had ever dreamed of, came from an amazing family, had all of his priorities in line and the best of all, loved me with a love I had never felt before. For someone who always questions, always second guesses, always double checks, I had no inhibitions. I loved him the best way I knew how, whole heartedly and without any fear of being hurt. We became engaged and began making plans for our future. Sure we fought, but honestly who doesn't and if you try and tell me any different I will call you a liar. Facts are facts. Maybe I was too blinded to notice anything was different or maybe he never let on that something was wrong but either way my perfect world came crashing down around me. I felt hurt, betrayed, lied to, made a fool of and worst of all unloved. I was confused and upset. I tried to hold onto the passage that my God is not the author of confusion, but I couldn't see my past my pain. I was praying for peace in my heart, and for His will to be done in my life, but secretly hoping His will and My will would somehow end up being the same thing. I was just about at my wits end, not eating, not sleeping, not communicating, pushing away the ones loved me the most, until the Lord opened my eyes in a big way. I received a message from a very strong woman of God who had been through a similar situation. As I read her message tears streamed down my face, the pain in my heart felt as though I would never recover from this betrayal but then I felt a peace like I have never known. I felt the first love of my life, pick me up, wrap me in His arms, and say be still my child, you are safe in my arms. It was a feeling I had never known before, and one I'm not soon to forget. My God sees my hurt but He also sees past this momentary heartache. He knows the plans He has in store for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. It is this promise that I will hold onto. Hebrews 4:16 says, "Let us approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." I am confident that He will bless me and give me that never ceasing peace He promises. A wise person once told me that God doesn't ask you to give up something that He does not give you something greater in return. I will wait for that gift, that life partner, that blessing from God. I will become so lost in my first love that a man will have to seek Him first in order to find me. As I got into my car after having realized every dream I had dreamed had been shattered, and the first song I heard was a beautiful song by Laura Story called Blessings. Every time I'm in the car in the middle of a breakdown, the Lord puts this song on K-Love to lift me up. Listen to the words and pray that this song can encourage you the way it has me. Blessings. That exactly what I will view this situation as. A blessing from God to protect me from future pain, and an opportunity for Him to give me my soul mate. Continue to pray for me and also for Ben, as we both seek God's will for our lives, whatever that may be.

it's like rain on your wedding day

Life has a funny way of gently leading you down the road you were intended to take all long but sometimes it just rears back and slaps some sense into you. Call it a reality check if you want, but I've had one. Let me clue you in. You, who has robbed me of my joy every Sunday morning for over a year now, you think I don't see you get up and leave when I sing special music for the Lord's glory and then you conveniently reappear as soon as I finish, you think people don't notice the looks you give me when I walk to my seat, do you honestly have that much bitterness and animosity in your heart towards me? How can you sit there sermon after sermon about loving your neighbor and forgiveness and continue to treat me and others the way you do? "Judge not lest ye be judged" is kinda rule I try to live by but gees louise, your fruit of the spirit is rotten. I would hate to know that one single person could possibly make my whole life as terribly miserable as I seem to make yours. Wrongs were committed on both accounts and I take full responsibility for mine, but where do you stand? Its almost as if you are trying to make me pay for everything you seem to find me faulted for by idle gossip, cold shoulders, and dirty looks. But let me just say this, everything you continue to do only justifies my decision even more so. I know without a single doubt that I made the best decision and I am exactly where I should be at this time in my life. And if that is such a problem for you then maybe during your prayer time you should talk to the Lord about it because I am without a doubt where He would have me be.

The Lord has rewarded me according to my righteousness, according to the cleanness of my hands in his sight. Psalm 18:24

too blessed to be stressed

Well that's a great quote, but in reality, I'm still a little stressed. Maybe stressed isn't a very good word, so let's try hmmm overwhelmed maybe. That's probably a better fit. The whole "I'm a home owner" glitter is fading a bit and the reality that I own a home that needs much attention is filling that space. And by attention I mean work and time and money, all of which seem to be limited these days. Maybe this is another situation where the Lord is testing my patience and frankly I don't like it, (maybe that's why He continues to). Anyways, I'm still loving my new job as nurse, yes that's right I love my job. I know without a doubt that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. I still have a lot to learn before my orientation is over and I'm on my own but I have an amazing preceptor to guide me through all that is nursing. And then there is Ben. How I have made it all this time without him is completely beyond me. He is my rock, my shoulder when I've had a terrible day, and my best friend. I thank the Lord everyday for bringing him into my life.

I don't really have anything just major to post about right now, but hopefully when things slow down a bit for me and I can get back to the remodel, I'll have some more exciting news for ya :) until then here is a picture I forced Ben to take with me just last night that I can totally see finding a huge frame in the new house.

cutest couple ever? I do believe so 

the beginning.

Let me just start off by saying, I am so incredibly blessed. After 1 sleepless night before, 45 minutes to answer 75 questions and 48 loooong hours of waiting to find out I am officially a registered nurse. The long days and nights spent studying and stressing and crying and gees I'm sure lots else has finally paid off. I officially start to work on February 21st. Can I get an AMEN :)



And so it has begun. I have officially made my first purchases toward remodeling and furnishing my new home :) Here is the vanity I chose for my bathroom

How I came upon this piece is pretty ironic. My sweet boyfriend went with me to Lowe's to try and decide what appliances would work the best for my space and fit into my budget. After hooouuurs and I do mean hours spent comparing stoves and washer/dryer combinations, I found this vanity and I fell in love. Yeah call me crazy but its true. I would much rather furniture shop than buy shoes. Now that's real love right there. It always seems though, that everything I fall in love with is waaayyy super expensive. (Ben calls me high maintenance, I just think I have an eye for pretty things,) This vanity was no exception. The vanity alone was $699 and the faucet that fit so perfectly with it was $279. I lingered for a short moment, but being the practical one that Ben is, he guided me, unwillingly might I add, to something a little more "low maintenance".

Anyways, 2 weeks later when I took my adorable mother back to Lowe's with me to help pick out lighting and paint colors, you'll never believe what I saw sitting front and center. This vanity, holding a big yellow sign that said clearance. They were selling this sweet piece as a floor model, faucet included for...get this..$300. Needless to say she came home with me :)

And now the moral of this story is, good things come in time and with a little patience and lots of prayer, just like a certain special someone I know.... <3

peace.

Ok so first to explain my absence from here, one last test.

I have been  studying my tail off since my last post because I did eventually get my ATT and picked out my day to take this dreaded test. I've honestly never felt so overwhelmed by information. Try cramming every disease process, potential complications, every drug, their side effects, potential drug interactions, blah blah blah the list goes on and on, and I'm sure you get the picture, but trying to review all this mess in a couple of weeks in order to be prepared for the test that will determine whether or not everything you have worked for the past 2 years will amount to anything. Two words, sttrreeesssseedd oouuuttt. And anyone around me can attest to the fact that I don't handle stress very well :s, (sorry guys). But the good news is, its all over! I took my test today. I had 75 questions and then the test shut off, which I'm hoping is a good sign but I will know for sure on Wednesday (more waiting, I think the Lord is trying to teach me patience or something lol). Be listening very closely at about 8 o'clock and considering I pass I'm sure you'll be able to hear my scream :) Its all in the Lord's hands now. He has led me this far and I know His Will will be done in my life as He sees fit.

And as of Thursday I am officially a homeowner! 

Its a complete miracle in my eyes that only the Lord could have done. As my dad says, on from one thing to the next. I can't wait to get started remodeling my first house!
Its a pretty awesome to experience the Lord's will and His blessings every day. All praise and glory to Him!

I will most definitely have more to come about the whole remodel deal and for suuuurrree about my test results!

These are some verses my dad shared with me that have helped me through this whole experience. Maybe they can touch your heart the way they have mine :)

Peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Your heart must not be troubled or fearful. John 14:27

In that day you will not ask Me anything. I assure you: Anything you ask the Father in my name, He will give you. Until now you have asked for nothing in My name. Ask and you will receive, that your joy may be complete. John 16:23 - 24

And just because I love it,

here's a picture of my sweet boyfriend and I

 from one of the many past snow days :)

waiting

This seems to be all that I am doing these days.

Right now I am waiting on:

• snow, please send lots so my sweet boyfriend can help me build a snowman and drink hot chocolate

• my ATT (email saying I'm able to test so I can get these boards over with and start working!!)

• warmer weather, I miss flip flops, swimsuits, and days at the lake

• and for the BIG one! I'm waiting on the attorney's office to finalize the paperwork for the purchase of...get this...my first home!

(real pictures to come soon)

This is what I have been so excited about lately that I've been waiting to share. I'm hoping to close on it next week :) As with most "first places", there is some work to be done, but after hooouuurrss of HGTV and DIY network, I'm more than ready to try my hand at painting, laying hardwood and such. Get ready Dad and Ben! I'm drawing a lot of inspiration from this blog that I completely adore called Young House Love. Click here to check them out. I am going to try and document each stage of the remodel with before and after pictures and also use this as a way to get your opinions and suggestions! So you get ready too! Here are a few things that have caught my eye lately:

All from Young House Love, might I add :)

The Lord has most definitely had a hand in all of this I just can't believe it really. Remember how I was counting my blessings, well I'm still counting.

new horizons

As all the hustle and bustle of the holidays is finally slowing down and coming to an end, I'm finally getting a chance to take a step back and count my blessings. This past year has been something else, to say the very least. I've experienced trials and heartache but also had the joy of overcoming those same trials and finding the strength to move past that heartache. I have always said that the Lord works in mysterious ways but this year has just proven that over again to me. He has held me in His arms when I couldn't stand alone and I believe He smiled down upon me when I found that solid rock to stand on again. He brought me through nursing school, helped me to get an interview and a job on a floor that I actually wanted to work on, all within the same week. Now He is guiding me through another life decision (more to come soon on this topic!). He's given me back my health. My UC is in full remission for the time being with no sign of things changing. My medicine is still working like it should. Our insurance is still paying their part and through a program Humira offers more than most of the remaining cost is taken care of. My mom's new medicine seems to be working as well. I'm so glad to finally have her back to her energy-filled self. This past year we have grown so close and I am honored to call her my mother, my confidant, and my best friend. The Lord is using my dad at Forty-Forks like I never could have imagined. I can see true and complete faith in Jesus when I look in dad's eyes. He stepped out on a limb when he closed his business of almost 30 years in Jackson to follow the Lord's will for his and our life and has not looked back since. The Lord has not let us down. Its an awesome feeling to live within His grace. My brother and sister are precious. As often as my sister tries to steal my clothes and my brother uses me for rides to his girlfriends house, I must say they both are truly my best friends. I thank the Lord for them every day and I know He has great things in store for both of their lives. Ben is the most recent addition to this whirlwind I call life, and I must say the timing couldn't have been any better. As to where it goes from here, I'm leaving that up to the Lord's will but I am most definitely taking advantage of every moment He gives me with this sweet boy.

As I move into next year, I will keep these blessings in the back of my mind and close to heart so as to not forget all that He has done for me. Take some time and reflect back on everything the Lord has done for you this past year. Thank Him, and open your mind and heart to receive the blessings that are to come.

Our God truly is an awesome God.

it just keeps getting better

I can sum this all up for you guys real quick like...graduation on Tuesday, job interview on Thursday, then....a job offer on Friday!! God is soooo good :) Its on the cardiac floor I wanted to be on too! Its a nights position which is something I will have to get used to but hey I will NOT complain! I am sooo blessed. Getting to know the sweetest guy plus graduation and soon after a job offer equals the best month ever!!

cowboy take me away

Ironic title right? :)

"There are guys who grow up thinking they'll settle down some distant time in the future, and there are guys who are ready for marriage as soon as they meet the right person. The former bore me, mainly because they're pathetic and the latter, quite frankly are hard to find. But its the serious ones I'm interested in, and it takes time to find a guy like that whom I'm equally interested in. I mean, if the relationship can't survive the long term why on earth would it be worth my time and energy for the short term?" The Last Song, Nicholas Sparks

This is one of my all time favorite quotes. I've held it close to my heart and tried to base my relationships off of it. And now I do believe its beginning to pay off. Love comes unexpectedly. But it also arrives when you need it most. Let's just say I couldn't be happier.

Now for other updates. I graduated on Tuesday from nursing school.

I still find it hard to believe its really over. But I can't wait to start this next chapter of my life. Its just a waiting game now though, as I wait to take boards. Hopefully it will be sooner rather than later.

Humira and I kind of had a rocky moment there, but things are back on track and better than ever.

I have a job interview this afternoon on a floor which I would absolutely love to work on. I feel like things are finally starting to fall into place. The Lord is opening doors, and I'm just praying and patiently waiting this time.  After my interview we're heading to Nashville for a much needed get away. Christmas lights and ICE! will make for a great next few days. But, I will look forward to coming home to see my cowboy. :)