just wait and see

“Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.”

I'm pretty sure if I tried this, my world would stop turning. Even though I know I should try it. I should try to relinquish some control and just be more content with where I'm at in life. I mean I'm going to graduate from nursing school, pass my boards (hopefully), turn 21, and start looking for my own first home all within the next 6 months. Talk about a whirlwind coming up so some down time would most likely do me some good.
I really don't have a lot to say right now, I've just been doing a lot of thinking again...scary I know right. But maybe after this weekend I'll have something more exciting to share :)

time.

"Spend your time perfecting tomorrow not correcting yesterday."     Strong words.

I honestly can't even begin to explain how I feel. I've never been in such a hard position, but sometimes goodbye is a second chance. You can only give so much without receiving anything in return before you break. It is what it is though, nothing more than another lesson learned and another thing to add to the list of things I know I deserve from a relationship. Time. Time to talk to me, time to hold me, time to love me back. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Humira sucks. I felt great and so accomplished after I gave myself my injections but like an hour later that sense of pride very quickly dissipated. I got the worst headache I believe I've ever had which led to making me super nauseous. And that lovely feeling lasted all weekend. Woo hoo. Hope you sense the sarcasm.

I did have the chance to reconnect with some old friends this weekend which completely makes my heart smile. :) maybe things will start to look up after all.

who do you think you are?

Humira update. I didn't punk out this time and gave myself my own injections. Only two this time. And most likely due to the fact that I laid ice packs on my stomach for like 15 minutes and it was practically numb, they honestly didn't hurt that bad. I must say I'm beginning to be pretty optimistic about this whole situation.

And this is my declaration.

I am just having a really hard time understanding just who do you think you are? To think that you have some power over me, to think that you control anything that I say or do, or to think that I have to listen to a single word that comes out of your mouth is completely ludicrous. You were cast out of my life long ago and for a very good reason. Let's keep it that way please. Because we both know in the end how this is going down. Its real simple. You're gonna lose. My God is bigger than you and with Him by my side we're a pretty tough team. Step down pal.

Just makes me feel strong and empowered and so does this verse,

Therefore, put on every piece of God's armor so you will be able to resist the enemy in the time of evil. Then after the battle you will still be standing firm. Ephesians 6:13

bulletproof

This time I'll be bulletproof.
I won't cry, I won't lay it on the line.
I won't pour my heart out to you a million different times.
I won't ask you to take my hand,
I won't pray every night that you take a stand.
I'll love myself more than you,
I'll hold onto the one thing I know is true.
The Lord is my shepard and in Him I place my trust
So yeah, this time I'll be bulletproof.

This has been a long week, and its only Wednesday. But this too shall pass. I don't have a lot to say, just a lot to think about. Listen to this.

Trying to find that light.

its just a test.

a test of faith that is.

Let me just take a second and thank the Lord for sending me you. You are such a great person and I look up to you so much. I count its as a blessing everyday that I have you in my life. I know you are going through a tough situation right now but the Lord says He will never leave us or forsake us. He is the Great Physician and I believe in His healing power. I love you.

Sooo this morning started out horrid but my lovely micro teacher completely made my day. Who the heck knows what the Kreb's cycle is and honestly who cares? Well not me on either count but I had already said I was going to devote my entire weekend to figuring it out since I had a test Monday. As we're finishing up with the lecture he turns to ask the class how we feel about the content and we all let out either a groan or a laugh because none of us have any idea what's going on then he gets real serious and says, well how about a test? I literally thought, I'm about to have a heart attack. He starts handing out the tests and I get mine and I swear its in Greek, then he says oh by the way its a take home test. I could have sang the entire hallelujah chorus. We decided to knock that thing out today as soon as we got home. Now I have all weekend to catch up on some reading, none of which pertains to the electron transport chain or staphylococcus, thank you.

Humira isn't kicking my butt yet. I'm feeling fine and staying optimistic.

I got an itch to change some things around here so I rearranged my room and got a new bed set.
                                                I completely love it :)
props to Marshall's for helping my checkbook out and my roommate for her staging skills

I thought Kitty was a nice accessory as well. :)

As always, I've found a quote I would love to share: "Passion and satisfaction go hand in hand, and without them, any happiness is only temporary because there is nothing to make it last." Truer words have never been spoken.

Excited to see what He has in store <3

prince charming who?

Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, what about us?
Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

At the end of the day a girl just needs a pair of strong arms to hold her when she is tired of being so brave, someone to tell all her problems to and someone to say its all going to work out in the end. Everyone talks about finding their prince charming but why settle for a prince charming wanna be when you could have the King of Kings? The Lord wants to embrace us and help us through our struggles. He will never leave our side. He promises to be there when no one else is.

I read a quote the other day that said "a woman's heart should be so lost in God that a man needs to seek Him in order to find her." This really made me do some self evaluation, some heart evaluation. Love is a crazy thing. It comes when you least expect it and seems to leave when you feel like you need it the most. It sometimes even makes you second guess your heart. But real unconditional love like that from God the Father never fades, never leaves room for question, never hurts, and never leaves you wanting more. Lord I  pray that I become so lost in You that my earthly prince charming will need to seek you first.

Patiently seeking His will.

you never know.

This weekend I saw AIM's production of Oklahoma. Wonderful :) highly recommend it.

I had my first Micro test on this rainy Monday morning. Let me just say this now, this class is not going to be fun. Not excited.

So update on the new stuff. I had my booster dose of Humira Friday, and I've been sore all weekend. The best way to describe it is it felt kinda like I'd just had a killer ab workout. Every time I bent down or turned it just felt sore. But if that is going to be the worst of it, I'll gladly take it. Now that I'm finally getting over the initial shock of the "shot" detail, I'm really beginning to see the benefits. It will only take a few minutes to give the injections as opposed to the 4 hours I had grown accustomed to with Remicade. There will be little to no recoup time with Humira, hopefully. And one big thing for me, it is safe to use during pregnancy, unlike Remicade. Not that I'm worried about that yet obviously, just looking toward the future.

You never know how the Lord is going to use a hard situation to show teach you to lean on Him. It has definitely taken me some time to see this but I whole heartedly believe that this is all part of His plan for me. I feel like He used the Remicade to get me into remission and now He is going to use the Humira to keep me in remission, and also allow me to take this "safer" medicine as I move forward in life. All things work together for His good, even when we can't see how.

Still seeking His will.

lesson learned.

This day started out wonderful, got to sleep late, had a huge bowl of captain crunch (my personal fav), and then headed out to the pool. Well that's where the good ended. I called my doctor back, and he said that he for sure wanted me to take the Humira. He also said I was going to have to go ahead and take the booster dose, consisting of four shots, one right after the other, all in the stomach. And then, to add to my joy, he wanted me to start them today. And what's more, I had to do the pens instead of the syringe. Talk about being a complete basket case. Thankfully my sweet mother offered to meet me up there. Go ahead and think about the worst shot you've ever gotten, multiply that times 5 and that's what one of these shots felt like. And I had four. I'm pretty much a walking accident waiting to happen so pain and I are pretty well acquainted but I have never experienced anything so terrible. Now I feel like I have been sucker punched in the stomach and have four lovely bruises to go along with it. Two weeks from today I get two more. Then I start the maintenance dose which will be one shot every two weeks. I've  always said I couldn't handle being a diabetic because I couldn't stand having to give myself shots all the time. Well uh...He proved me wrong. Lesson learned. Don't tell the Lord what you can't handle because He'll prove to you the hard way that you can. I pray this gets better.

defeated.

That's exactly how I feel. I know I should be positive and look for the good in the situation but honestly, just the thought of that makes me nauseous. I am deathly terrified of needles. I can start IVs no problem, I can give anyone a shot any day no big deal. But the second you turn it around on me, I freak out. I had gotten better with having an IV and having blood drawn because I've had to have it done so often, but getting a shot is a totally different thing. I'm the kind of person who would rather take antibiotics for three weeks rather than take a shot and be better in 3 days. And now they tell me I'm gonna have to give them to myself. Obviously I'm not coping very well. I have to call my doctor tomorrow and let him know whether I want to do the prefilled syringes or the pens. I've tried to research about the pros and cons and I've talked to my mom about them since she has done both before, but neither one sounds appealing. Both are very painful and uncomfortable, not to mention expensive. I can't help but wonder if there isn't some other option out there. My doctor doesn't seem to think so. Its just absolutely disheartening. I'm trying to be strong, I'm trying to give it to Him. But right now I just want to take some time to be weak, to be upset, to think this really, really sucks. I can be strong tomorrow, maybe.

Bring the Rain.

Totally and completely love this song by Mercy Me.


I can count a million times people asking me how I can praise you with all that I've gone through. The question just amazes me, can circumstances possibly change who I forever am in you?

Maybe since my life was changed long before these rainy days, it's never really crossed my mind to turn my back on you oh Lord, my only shelter from the storm but instead I draw closer through these times.

So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace, bring the chance to be free. Bring me anything that brings you glory. And I know there'll be days when this life brings me pain but if that's what it takes to praise you, Jesus bring the rain.

I am yours regardless of the clouds that may loom above because you are much greater than my pain. You who made a way for me by suffering your destiny. So tell me what's a little rain?

I told you I was addicted to song lyrics. This is yet another example of exactly how I feel. It can be so easy to question the Lord., to ask why me? why now? But it is so much more rewarding to ask, what are you trying to teaching me Lord? I can alomst guarantee that through any struggle He is trying to teach you to lean on Him, to lay it all His feet and believe our God is big enough to handle anything. This is the lesson I am trying so desparately to learn. So tell me, with the Lord of Lord on your side, what's a little rain?  

a test of patience.

Family and friends plus good food and fireworks has made for a pretty great weekend. Wonder why we only shoot fireworks on the 4th and New Years though? Just a thought.

Anyways...back to this whole new medicine deal. The doctor's office was supposed to call me and let me know what they thought the best option was. They said and I quote, "We'll get with you on Wednesday, and if not Wednesday then Thursday and if not Thursday then Friday and if not Friday by lunch you call us." And being the compliant patient I am, I waited until three o'clock on Friday to call but found out nothing. But something has got to give. I'm only twenty years old and I'm not supposed to feel like I'm eighty. I'm pretty sure every joint in my body has hurt at one point in time over this weekend. Pretty stupid. I don't know what I'm gonna do over the next 6 or so weeks, (that's how long it will take the Remicade, the drug that I had a reaction to, to get out of my system). I'm just praying that this isn't a permanent thing, that it actually goes away when the medicine is gone. Guess we'll see.

On another note, I start class again tomorrow. Microbiology. Yes, I must like to punish myself. But hey after this class and a couple more I'll be able to start on classes for my BSN. Super pumped about that.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my future. Like after school do I want to try and work in Jackson or in Selmer, in a clinic or hospital setting? Do I want to live in Jackson or in McNairy county, possibly Henderson? Do I want to rent a place like I have been or try and buy something or do I just want to move back home and save some money? I know that He will show me what I need to do and exactly where I need to be in His time, I'm just a little impatient. But we're all kinda on a need to know basis, so I'll just have to try and not worry so much and leave it in His hands. Seems easier said than done though.

Another thing I can't get off my mind is some certain people. The kind who say one thing and act completely different. I'm not trying to be judgemental. Don't take this the wrong way guys. I'm just saying actions speak louder than words. If you love someone, love them out loud. Don't assume they know it. Don't take them for granted. Tell them everyday. Take every opportunity to show them what they mean to you every single day. Its not the sweet stuff you say that gets us in your life, its the sweet stuff you do that keeps us there.  Just saying.

They say to never tell the Lord you can't handle something because He will prove to you that you can. People also say not to pray for patience. Well I don't feel like I've done either one of those things, but I definitely feel like my breaking points are being tested.

everything happens for a reason.

Diamond Jaxx game tonight with my sweet boyfriend was a lot of fun. Sky box suite is most def the way to watch a game. Although they completely threw away the game, the fireworks after were amazing. The whole night was a bit of a deja vu experience for me, hence the title of this blog. Its so crazy to think about how much has changed in my life over just the past year, and even crazier to think about how much more it is about to. Only about six more months and I will be finished with school, hopefully onto pass my boards and get my license. Can we say registered nurse? I'm pumped. All glory and praise to Him!

I've had to learn some pretty tough lessons this year. Things like you should always be honest with yourself regardless of who it might hurt, and there will always be people who criticize your decisions. But with bad always comes a light at the end of the tunnel. My "light" was realizing that no matter how much I cried or tried people were always going to be the same and the best thing you can do for them is lift them up to the Lord. Not in a "I pray your brakes go out running down a hill (we all know the song)" kinda way, but in a sincere, "I pray that the Lord opens your eyes and heals your heart" kind of way. Then you just have to sit back and let the Lord work. Our God is an awesome God.

Life is so much easier when you put your struggles in His hands.

This song has always meant a lot to me, but it means so much more now. Check it out.

Lay it Down Jaci Velasquez

I've been looking ‘til my eyes are tired of looking

Listening ‘til my ears are numb from listening
Praying ‘til my knees are sore from kneeling
On the bedroom floor

I know that You know that my heart is aching
I'm running out of tears and my will is breaking
I don't think that I can carry
The burden of it anymore

All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are slowly slipping through my folded hands
So I'm gonna lay it down
I'm gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don't come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I'm gonna let it be, I'm gonna let it go
I'm gonna lay it down

I've been walking through this world like I'm barely living
Buried in the doubt of this hole I've been digging
But You're pulling me out and I'm finally breathing
In the open air
This room may be dark but I'm finally seeing
There's a new ray of hope and now I'm believing
That the past is the past and the future's beginning to look brighter now
'Cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

Staying strong in the Lord =)

just a few of my favorite things.

I'm addicted to reading quotes and song lyrics. I always find myself looking for words to describe how I feel or pick me up when I'm down. I have recently fallen back in love with the book of Proverbs. Its basically a whole chapter full of quotes! From GOD! I personally don't think it gets any better than that :) here's a few that mean a lot to me:

         Commit your activities to the Lord and your plans will be achieved. Proverbs 16:3
I mean wow. He's basically telling us if we are living in His will and we submit everything to Him, He will see us through it! I don't know about you,but I'm a such a planner, got the whole time line and everything. So knowing that as long as I'm in His will and letting Him work through me my plans will be achieved is major for me!

         The one who trusts himself is a fool, but one who walks in wisdom will be safe. Proverbs 28:26
This one hit me like a ton of bricks. I'm such a strong willed person. Lots of times I find myself thinking, I can handle this alone, I can figure it out on my own. It has taken hitting my knees because I can't physically handle it any longer for me to realize, wouldn't this be so much easier if I had some help? And who better to help me out when I'm struggling than God Almighty? Everyday I'm learning to lay my problems at His feet, and leave them there, trusting that He will direct me in His good and perfect will. And let me tell you, for the first time in a long time, I'm at peace, and its wonderful!

2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.' Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weakness, so that Christ's power may reside in me."

I am weak but He is strong, but through Him I have strength! :)