the heart of a five year old

We often times underestimate what children can and can't comprehend. But today is a perfect example of how much they really do understand. The moment I saw her this morning, she ran to me and threw her arms around my neck and told me she loved me. She made every step I did. It was almost as if she was protecting me, shielding me from all the "you're strongs" and "you'll be fines" that people seem to think are comforting in this sort of situation. It was the first Sunday I sat in our pew without him. The first time I looked at the stage where I had pictured every whispered I love you, every spoken vow, and that first kiss to begin our lives, and realized that none of that would happen now. I broke down before we even got through the welcoming announcements. She took her tiny little hands, placed them in mine, and held them through the entire service. She wrapped her arms around me, wiped my tears away. Its like she knew exactly what I needed at that very moment. She felt my pain and did her very best to let me know she was there for me, that she loved me. A five year old made me stronger. 

blessings

Where to even begin. I feel like I have been sitting back watching my life crawl before me like an old black and white movie. At times I feel like the mute actor, running around like crazy, waving my hands in the air, just hoping someone will understand. At others I feel like I'm standing in the middle of some empty field, lost with no direction or hope. So call me dramatic, but hey I'm channeling my inner Audrey Hepburn I suppose. I had never been so sure that I had found the one person that God had placed on this earth for me. He was everything I had ever dreamed of, came from an amazing family, had all of his priorities in line and the best of all, loved me with a love I had never felt before. For someone who always questions, always second guesses, always double checks, I had no inhibitions. I loved him the best way I knew how, whole heartedly and without any fear of being hurt. We became engaged and began making plans for our future. Sure we fought, but honestly who doesn't and if you try and tell me any different I will call you a liar. Facts are facts. Maybe I was too blinded to notice anything was different or maybe he never let on that something was wrong but either way my perfect world came crashing down around me. I felt hurt, betrayed, lied to, made a fool of and worst of all unloved. I was confused and upset. I tried to hold onto the passage that my God is not the author of confusion, but I couldn't see my past my pain. I was praying for peace in my heart, and for His will to be done in my life, but secretly hoping His will and My will would somehow end up being the same thing. I was just about at my wits end, not eating, not sleeping, not communicating, pushing away the ones loved me the most, until the Lord opened my eyes in a big way. I received a message from a very strong woman of God who had been through a similar situation. As I read her message tears streamed down my face, the pain in my heart felt as though I would never recover from this betrayal but then I felt a peace like I have never known. I felt the first love of my life, pick me up, wrap me in His arms, and say be still my child, you are safe in my arms. It was a feeling I had never known before, and one I'm not soon to forget. My God sees my hurt but He also sees past this momentary heartache. He knows the plans He has in store for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me hope and a future. It is this promise that I will hold onto. Hebrews 4:16 says, "Let us approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need." I am confident that He will bless me and give me that never ceasing peace He promises. A wise person once told me that God doesn't ask you to give up something that He does not give you something greater in return. I will wait for that gift, that life partner, that blessing from God. I will become so lost in my first love that a man will have to seek Him first in order to find me. As I got into my car after having realized every dream I had dreamed had been shattered, and the first song I heard was a beautiful song by Laura Story called Blessings. Every time I'm in the car in the middle of a breakdown, the Lord puts this song on K-Love to lift me up. Listen to the words and pray that this song can encourage you the way it has me. Blessings. That exactly what I will view this situation as. A blessing from God to protect me from future pain, and an opportunity for Him to give me my soul mate. Continue to pray for me and also for Ben, as we both seek God's will for our lives, whatever that may be.